Three years ago my entire world fell apart.
Three years ago my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. I lost interest in my goals, stopped my ambition, and tried to focus on surviving. It took a long time for me to finally find outlets in which to deal with the pain and loss that I was feeling. I’m sure I'm not the only one who has struggled with strong feelings such as these when losing a loved one, or even dealing with having a sick or injured loved one. It’s incredibly important to take care of yourself, and I know it’s hard to do. After my loss, I searched all over the internet for ways in which I could cope with the extreme sadness I was feeling and was met with absolutely nothing. No one would provide me with a single straight answer, and that’s because there’s not one specific “cure” for which to heal the hurt. Every person is completely different, but there are many things you can do to feel better and cope with the loss so that it doesn’t overwhelm you.
The most important thing is to take care of yourself...
This means, perhaps eating things that are healthier for you, so that your body feels nurtured and cared for. Or even that you’re eating things that may not be the healthiest, but that bring you a deep sense of satisfaction and comfort.
Exercising. I know it can be incredibly difficult to do, because of the lack of motivation, but the important part isn’t what you do, but that you get your body moving in a way that makes you happy. This can be hiking, walking your dog, going to the gym, dancing, or even walking through the mall. It’s a matter of keeping your body active, so that you don’t fall into an even worse depressive state.
Knowing and understanding that pain will come and go. You are grieving, so you will be sad, and it’s important to feel that and give that emotion the space it needs in order to be felt. As you continue to truly feel your emotions, your pain will get lighter and lighter, until it is no longer this drowning feeling of melancholy.
Spending time with your friends, family, or loved ones. It’s important to know that you are not alone in this process and that it’s okay to need to be around other people for comfort.
It’s okay to ask for help.
Self-care and love are essential. Knowing that there’s days where you might need a little something extra to get you through. Whether it’s a face mask, drinking more water and adding some fruit so it tastes more fresh, eating your favorite meal, lighting some candles and taking a bath, anything that makes you feel even remotely relaxed and content.
Apply some structured change into your life, which refers to something of your choosing, in which you have complete control of. For instance, I got a puppy, which not only helped me feel less alone, but it allowed me to feel joy, even on my darkest days. You could also implement something smaller, like dying your hair, going on a mini day trip to a place or town you’ve never been to. It’s all about creating some sort of change, so it doesn’t feel like the only thing that’s different is the absence of the person you miss.
• It’s important to know that you are going to want to give up at some points. I gave up on my music and my dreams because I couldn’t imagine ever being happy enough to even touch those things again, especially since it was something my dad and I used to share. But I simply gave it a break, and found a new dream to go after. It’s okay to try something new. It’s okay to change your mind or your perspective on something. It’s okay.
However, try not to make rash decisions about things that will affect you long-term based on your meltdowns. There will be plenty of meltdowns, and times where you will want to give up on everything you have going for yourself, and that’s just a part of life when you’ve lost someone of such importance to you; for instance: school, your job, your family, etc. I never gave up on school because it was my only reason to get up in the morning and to continue to live. Goals are important, because they provide meaning to your life.
Stay busy, but within reason. This doesn’t mean you should burn yourself out by overwhelming yourself with too many things to do, because this will also multiply the intensity of your emotions. Rest as much as you need to and give yourself time to process. Staying busy means getting a job, continuing school, volunteering, etc. I got three internships and two jobs as I was still completing school the year my dad passed away, because it allowed me to focus on something other than his absence.
Let out your creative juices every once in a while, it helps with the feelings. This could mean writing them down, drawing, painting, singing, etc. When I feel deep negative emotions, it’s hard for me to put it into words because I don’t like to focus on negative things, so I started writing and drawing again. Even if it’s not a masterpiece, it doesn’t matter because it’s not about being an artist, it’s about getting those feelings and frustrations out in a healthy way.
One of the hardest things to do when going through this, and the toughest to remember, which I’m still working on, is to write down or even just think about things you’re grateful for every single day. Even when you don’t know what to say, there’s always something to be grateful for: the people in your life, a roof over your head, delicious food in your home, your pet, etc. Doing this every day, or as often as possible, helps you develop a sense of appreciation for all of the wonderful things in your life, which makes you a happier person.
• Know and understand that you need to be patient with yourself. There is no set timeframe in which you’re supposed to be done grieving. It’ll take however long it takes, and you will go at your own pace. Talk about your loved one as much or as little as you want, it can be negative or positive. All of those feelings are valid, and it’s a part of who that person was to you, and it’ll be helpful towards your road to recovery.
The best and final advice I will give you is to go to therapy. Going to therapy is what’s helped me out the most. There’s so many different kinds of “therapists,” it’s just a matter of finding the perfect fit for you. I understand that not everyone is able to afford it, but it’s something that I recommend for anyone who’s going through a tough time in their lives.
I’m still going through it, and reminding myself that it’s okay to miss him, and to be sad out of nowhere or even happy sometimes. I’m still learning to take care of myself.
Hopefully these are some things you might find useful when going through your grieving process. I hope it will bring forth more conversations about these difficult topics, so more people come up with even better ways of coping with loss. Remember to be kind to yourselves and to just be patient. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can promise you that it does feel better eventually.
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